Of Frendship

It had beene hard for him that spake it, to have put more Truth and untruth together, in few Words, then in that Speech; Whosoever is delighted in solitude, is either a wilde Beast, or a God. For it is most true, that a Naturall and Secret Hatred, and Aversation towards Society, in any Man, hath somewhat of the Savage Beast; But it is most Untrue, that it should have any Character, at all, of the Divine Nature; Except it proceed, not out of a Pleasure in Solitude, but out of a Love and desire, to sequester a Mans Selfe, for a Higher Conversation: Such as is found, to have been falsely and fainedly, in some of the Heathen; As Epimenides the Candian, Numa the Roman, Empedocles the Scicilian, and Apollonius of Tyana; And truly and really, in divers of the Ancient Hermits, and Holy Fathers of the Church. But little doe Men perceive, what Solitude is, and how farre it extendeth. For a Crowd is not Company; and Faces are but a Gallery of Pictures; And Talke but a Tinckling Cymball, where there is no Love. The Latine Adage meeteth with it a little; Magna Civitas, Magna solitudo; Because in a great Towne, Friends are scattered; So that there is not that Fellowship, for the most Part, which is in lesse Neighbourhoods. But we may goe further, and affirme most truly; That it is a meere, and miserable Solitude, to want true Friends; without which the World is but a Wildernesse: And even in this sense also of Solitude, whosoever in the Frame of his Nature and Affections, is unsit for Friendship, he taketh it of the Beast, and not from Humanity.

A principall Fruit of Friendship, is the Ease and Discharge of the Fulnesse and Swellings of the Heart, which Passions of all kinds doe cause and induce. We know Diseases of Stoppings, and Suffocations, are the most dangerous in the body; And it is not much otherwise in the Minde: You may take Sarza to open the Liver; Steele to open the Spleene; Flower of Sulphur for the Lungs; Castoreum for the Braine; But no Receipt openeth the Heart, but a true Friend, to whom you may impart, Griefes, Joyes, Feares, Hopes, Suspicions, Counsels, and whatsoever lieth upon the Heart, to oppresse it, in a kind of Civill Shrift or Confession.

It is a Strange Thing to observe, how high a Rate, Great Kings and Monarchs, do set upon this Fruit of Friendship, wherof we speake: So great, as they purchase it, many times, at the hazard of their owne Safety, and Greatnesse. For Princes, in regard of the distance of their Fortune, from that of their Subjects & Servants, cannot gather this Fruit; Except (to make Themselves capable thereof) they raise some Persons, to be as it were Companions, and almost Equals to themselves, which many times sorteth to Inconvenience. The Moderne Languages give unto such Persons, the Name of Favorites, or Privadoes; As if it were Matter of Grace, or Conversation. But the Roman Name attaineth the true Use, and Cause thereof; Naming them Participes Curarum; For it is that, which tieth the knot. And we see plainly, that this hath been done, not by Weake and Passionate Princes onely, but by the Wisest, and most Politique that ever reigned; Who have oftentimes joyned to themselves, some of their Servants; Whom both Themselves have called Frends; And allowed Others likewise to call them in the same manner; Using the Word which is received between Private Men.

L. Sylla, when he commanded Rome, raised Pompey (after surnamed the Great) to that Heigth, that Pompey vaunted Himselfe for Sylla's Overmatch. For when he had carried the Consulship for a Frend of his, against the pursuit of Sylla, and that Sylla did a little resent thereat, and began to speake great, Pompey turned upon him againe, and in effect bad him be quiet; For that more Men adored the Sunne Rising, then the Sunne setting. With Julius Cæsar, Decimus Brutus had obtained that Interest, as he set him downe, in his Testament, for Heire in Remainder, after his Nephew. And this was the Man, that had power with him, to draw him forth to his death. For when Cæsar would have discharged the Senate, in regard of some ill Presages, and specially a Dreame of Calpurnia; This Man lifted him gently by the Arme, out of his Chaire, telling him, he hoped he would not dismisse the Senate, till his wife had dreamt a better Dreame. And it seemeth, his favour was so great, as Antonius in a Letter, which is recited Verbatim, in one of Cicero's Philippiques, calleth him Venefica, Witch; As if he had enchanted Cæsar. Augustus raised Agrippa (though of meane Birth) to that Heighth, as when he consulted with Mœcenas, about the Marriage of his Daughter Julia, Mœcenas tooke the Liberty to tell him; That he must either marry his Daughter to Agrippa, or take away his life, there was no third way, he had made him so great. With Tiberius Cæsar, Scianus had ascended to that Height, as they Two were tearmed and reckoned, as a Paire of Frends. Tiberius in a Letter to him saith; Hæc pro Amicitia nostrâ non occultavi: And the whole Senate, dedicated an Altar to Frendship, as to a Goddesse, in respect of the great Dearenesse of Frendship, between them Two. The like or more was between Septimius Severus, and Plantianus. For he forced his Eldest Sonne to marry the Daughter of Plantianus; And would often maintaine Plantianus, in doing Affronts to his Son: And did write also in a Letter to the Senate, by these Words; I love the Man so well, as I wish he may over-live me. Now if these Princes, had beene as a Trajan, or a Marcus Aurelius, A Man might have thought, that this had proceeded of an abundant Goodnesse of Nature; But being Men so Wise, of such Strength and Severitie of minde, and so Extreme Lovers of Themselves, as all these were; It proveth most plainly, that they found their owne Felicitie (though as great as ever happened to Mortall Men) but as an Halfe Peece, except they mought have a Frend to make it Entire: And yet, which is more, they were Princes, that had Wives, Sonnes, Nephews; And yet all these could not supply the Comfort of Frendship.

It is not to be forgotten, what Commineus observeth, of his first Master Duke Charles the Hardy; Namely, that hee would communicate his Secrets with none; And least of all, those Secrets, which troubled him most. Whereupon he goeth on, and saith, That towards his Latter time; That closenesse did impaire, and a little perish his understanding. Surely Commineus mought have made the same Judgement also, if it had pleased him, of his Second Master Lewis the Eleventh, whose closenesse was indeed his Tormentour. The Parable of Pythagoras is darke, but true; Cor ne edito; Eat not the Heart. Certainly, if a Man would give it a hard Phrase, Those that want Frends to open themselves unto, are Canniballs of their owne Hearts. But one Thing is most Admirable, (wherewith I will conclude this first Fruit of frendship) which is, that this Communicating of a Mans Selfe to his Frend, works two contrarie Effects; For it redoubleth Joyes, and cutteth Griefes in Halfes. For there is no Man, that imparteth his Joyes to his Frend, but he joyeth the more; And no Man, that imparteth his Griefes to his Frend, but hee grieveth the lesse. So that it is, in Truth of Operation upon a Mans Minde, of like vertue, as the Alchymists use to attribute to their Stone, for Mans Bodie; That it worketh all Contrary Effects, but still to the Good, and Benefit of Nature. But yet, without praying in Aid of Alchymists, there is a manifest Image of this, in the ordinarie course of Nature. For in Bodies, Union strengthneth and cherisheth any Naturall Action; And, on the other side, weakneth and dulleth any violent Impression: And even so is it of Minds.

The second Fruit of Frendship, is Healthfull and Soveraigne for the Understanding, as the first is for the Affections. For Frendship maketh indeed a faire Day in the Affections, from Storme and Tempests: But it maketh Day-light in the Understanding, out of Darknesse & Confusion of Thoughts. Neither is this to be understood, onely of Faithfull Counsell, which a Man receiveth from his Frend; But before you come to that, certaine it is, that whosoever hath his Minde fraught, with many Thoughts, his Wits and Understanding doe clarifie and breake up, in the Communicating and discoursing with Another: He tosseth his Thoughts, more easily; He marshalleth them more orderly; He seeth how they looke when they are turned into Words; Finally, He waxeth wiser then Himselfe; And that more by an Houres discourse, then by a Dayes Meditation. It was well said by Themistocles to the King of Persia; That speech was like Cloth of Arras, opened, and put abroad; Whereby the Imagery doth appeare in Figure; whereas in Thoughts, they lie but as in Packs. Neither is this Second Fruit of Frendship, in opening the Understanding, restrained onely to such Frends, as are able to give a Man Counsell: (They indeed are best) But even, without that, a Man learneth of Himselfe, and bringeth his owne Thoughts to Light, and whetteth his Wits as against a Stone, which it selfe cuts not. In a word, a Man were better relate himselfe, to a Statua, or Picture, then to suffer his Thoughts to passe in smother.

Adde now, to make this Second Fruit of Frendship compleat, that other Point, which lieth more open, and falleth within Vulgar Observation; which is Faithfull Counsell from a Frend. Heraclitus saith well, in one of his Ænigmæs; Dry Light is ever the best. And certaine it is, that the Light, that a Man receiveth, by Counsell from Another, is Drier, and purer, then that which commeth from his owne Understanding, and Judgement; which is ever infused and drenched in his Affections and Customes. So as, there is as much difference, betweene the Counsell, that a Frend giveth, and that a Man giveth himselfe, as there is between the Counsell of a Frend, and of a Flatterer. For there is no such Flatterer, as is a Mans Selfe; And there is no such Remedy, against Flattery of a Mans Selfe, as the Liberty of a Frend. Counsell is of two Sorts; The one concerning Manners, the other concerning Businesse. For the First; The best Preservative to keep the Minde in Health, is the faithfull Admonition of a Frend. The Calling of a Mans Selfe, to a Strict Account, is a Medicine, sometime, too Piercing and Corrosive. Reading good Bookes of Morality, is a little Flat, and Dead. Observing our Faults in Others, is sometimes unproper for our Case. But the best Receipt (best (I say) to worke, and best to take) is the Admonition of a Frend. It is a strange thing to behold, what grosse Errours, and extreme Absurdities, Many (especially of the greater Sort) doe commit, for want of a Frend, to tell them of them; To the great dammage, both of their Fame, & Fortune. For, as S. James saith, they are as Men, that looke sometimes into a Glasse, and presently forget their own Shape, & Favour. As for Businesse, a Man may think, if he will, that two Eyes see no more then one; Or that a Gamester seeth alwaies more then a Looker on; Or that a Man in Anger, is as Wise as he, that hath said over the foure and twenty Letters; Or that a Musket may be shot off, aswell upon the Arme, as upon a Rest; And such other fond and high Imaginations, to thinke Himselfe All in All. But when all is done, the Helpe of good Counsell, is that, which setteth Businesse straight. And if any Man thinke, that he will take Counsell, but it shall be by Peeces; Asking Counsell in one Businesse of one Man, and in another Businesse of another Man; It is well, (that is to say, better perhaps then if he asked none at all;) but he runneth two dangers: One, that he shall not be faithfully counselled; For it is a rare Thing, except it be from a perfect and entire Frend, to have Counsell given, but such as shalbe bowed and crooked to some ends, which he hath that giveth it. The other, that he shall have Counsell given, hurtfull, and unsafe, (though with good Meaning) and mixt, partly of Mischiefe, and partly of Remedy: Even as if you would call a Physician, that is thought good, for the Cure of the Disease, you complaine of, but is unacquainted with your body; And therefore, may put you in way for a present Cure, but overthroweth your Health in some other kinde; And so cure the Disease, and kill the Patient. But a Frend, that is wholly acquainted with a Mans Estate, will beware by furthering any present Businesse, how he dasheth upon other Inconvenience. And therefore, rest not upon Scattered Counsels; They will rather distract, and Misleade, then Settle, and Direct.

After these two Noble Fruits of Frendship; (Peace in the Affections, and Support of the Judgement,) followeth the last Fruit; which is like the Pomgranat, full of many kernels; I meane Aid, and Bearing a Part, in all Actions, and Occasions. Here, the best Way, to represent to life the manifold use of Frendship, is to cast and see, how many Things there are, which a Man cannot doe Himselfe; And then it will appeare, that it was a Sparing Speech of the Ancients, to say, That a Frend is another Himselfe: For that a Frend is farre more then Himselfe. Men have their Time, and die many times in desire of some Things, which they principally take to Heart; The Bestowing of a Child, The Finishing of a Worke, Or the like. If a Man have a true Frend, be may rest almost secure, that the Care of those Things, will continue after Him. So that a Man hath as it were two Lives in his desires. A Man hath a Body, and that Body is confined to a Place; But where Frendship is, all Offices of Life, are as it were granted to Him, and his Deputy. For he may exercise them by his Frend. How many Things are there, which a Man cannot, with any Face or Comelines, say or doe Himselfe? A Man can scarce alledge his owne Merits with modesty, much lesse extoll them: A man cannot sometimes brooke to Supplicate or Beg: And a number of the like. But all these Things, are Gracefull in a Frends Mouth, which are Blushing in a Mans Owne. So againe, a Mans Person hath many proper Relations, which he cannot put off. A Man cannot speake to his Sonne, but as a Father; To his Wife, but as a Husband; To his Enemy, but upon Termes: whereas a Frend may speak, as the Case requires, and not as it forteth with the Person. But to enumerate these Things were endlesse: I have given the Rule, where a Man cannot fitly play his owne Part: If he have not a Frend, he may quit the Stage.